Entry #8: Don’t Get Kindness Confused with Boundaries
Last month I asked you, “How do you become a Codependent-In-Recovery?” As a person who struggles, the addiction medicates me by keeping myself so busy fixing others that I completely ignore fixing myself. The high I get also validates my existence. It’s a temporary fix which is NO different than taking a hit of crack to numb out your pain. It’s also important to share that in this relationship, you can also be the Dependent.
What are Dependent traits? You play the “blame game”. You might say statements like, “I wouldn’t _____ if you weren’t the way you are!” Insert the words drink, cheat, gamble, etc. In school, they call this, “The Cycle of Violence”. Codependents find it hard to leave because (for short periods), the dependent tricks them into believing that they’ve changed by acting in ways the codependent hopes for. It’s a form of mind control. The codependent is brain washed that they need to try harder so the dependent will love them. Imagine how little I valued myself to the point that I gave up my individuality, my freedom, and devoted my days to studying other peoples’ lives so that I could serve them. If you resonate with my story, know that if YOU don’t get well, your romantic partners, friendships, family interactions and work relationships can be toxic because we’re drawn to what we know.
Looking back, there were signs that I shouldn’t have continued being with certain people. I was so sick that I only saw what I wanted to see. This addiction might seem harmless, but it can be dangerous. My boss was mentally abusive, my needy friends sucked the life out of me, and I excused abuses in romantic relationships for years. My life was built on sand instead of bricks because I allowed it until I had enough.
Today’s quote is knowing the difference between being kind when it feels right, and setting guilt-free boundaries with people you feel comfortable with for all the wrong reasons. Do you know the difference now? How do you get well? That’s for next month!
Stephanie Preston creates powerful, humorous videos on managing bipolar disorder symptoms. She is a Social Service Worker, Health Care Aide and suffers from severe bipolar depression herself. She is the proud wife of St. Thomas Mayor Joe Preston, loves being a grandma and is Crossfit obsessed. Follow her at www.tiktok.com/@bipolaronthebrain and www.facebook.com/bipolaronthebrain.
