Journal Entry #5: Accept Where You’re At. You Can Build From Here!

I shared last month the power of printing off a mood chart (free from Google) just by filling it out for 30 days. It’s like counting calories, but I always say, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” If you’re anything like me, doctors’ appointments (prior to being sick of being sick) went like this:

Me: Look good so you can hide how desperate you feel for something to stop the constant mood swings. How embarrassing if you were hospitalized again?

Psychiatrist: “So how are you?”

Me: “Fine. I don’t sleep well. I’m not sure why.”

Psychiatrist: “Ok. Based on your answers, we can increase the anxiety medication. Other than that, I can see you on June 15th, but I want you to fill out a mood chart for next time.”

Me: “OK.” 

I walked out looking fine, but FINE stands for Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, and Exhausted. I filled out that chart for 30 days no matter what. When I showed it to my psychiatrist, he had no idea how much I was suffering. How could he? He doesn’t live with me. He said, “By looking at your mood chart, you must be exhausted. Your moods swing almost hourly!”

Understand that when you have symptoms due to mental illness, only YOU can tell your doctors, family and friends what’s going on. No one wants to say they can’t sleep, they feel life isn’t worth living, and it’s hard to go out in public. I accept that I can’t control my behaviours, impulses, how much I talk, or how fast my brain changes ideas.  It’s Truth vs. Fear. Fear keeps us stuck. Facing the truth (so that you can self-advocate) is the best gift you can give yourself. I found my voice in this experience. Seeing my mood chart made me realize that I’m not kind to myself. We got to work by starting me on a mood stabilizer at a low dose.

What happened after this decision turned my life around 100%. How? To be continued my darlings! 

 

Stephanie Preston creates powerful, humorous videos on managing bipolar disorder symptoms. She is a Social Service Worker, Health Care Aide and suffers from severe bipolar depression herself. She is the proud wife of St. Thomas Mayor Joe Preston, loves being a grandma and is Crossfit obsessed. Follow her at www.tiktok.com/@bipolaronthebrain and www.facebook.com/bipolaronthebrain.