Sibling Rivalry

Supporting Image: OURmentalHEALTH.jpg

Growing up in a home with an older brother and younger sister was always full of fun, angst and full-blown brawls. We were turn-key kids so for a good part of the afternoon we had to manage (and survive) without parental support. 

The natural friction between siblings can be very difficult to manage for any parent, however there are techniques to help parents keep the peace more regularly:

1. Praise your children when they are playing co-operatively or calmly following the family rules immediately. Positive reinforcements create healthy good behaviors, so for every time you catch them fighting, you want to catch them playing well and praise them 3-5 times as much in order to change the behavior.
2. Get to the root of the problem/conflicts. Look for patterns with their fights. For example, you might see your children always fighting over a toy. The root problem is not the toy but maybe a fight for your attention.
3. Teach children to let go of fairness. Life is not always fair so teach them how to cope with unfairness. When your children are upset because older brother gets to stay up late, tell them stories about when life was not fair for you and how you coped with it. This can be very difficult if a sibling has special needs requiring more attention from you. Children only need 20 minutes of 1:1 full parent interaction a day to feel loved, heard and seen.
4. Make a plan for when siblings fight because it is inevitable. You can coach an older sibling on how to respond in an effective way. (When the older child is hit, their plan is to leave the room and find mom or dad.) Set a timer for shared toys. Put stickers on toys that illicit more fights (like a new toy) that are not to be shared with siblings.

When we are clear AND consistent with our kids, we get the outcomes we want more often AND we get more peace. Take care! 

 

Becky Morrison is a Nurse Practitioner based out of Calgary who has specialized in mental health for over a decade. She is finally, after years of infertility, a mother of two busy little boys, and doting fur mom of her gentle giant, Stella. She is, and always will be, a strong advocate for mental wellness at all ages.