Are My Expectations for my Child Too High or Too Low?

Hi, I’m Heather: a family therapist and a mom of two. Many parents struggle with either having expectations that are too high of their child(ren), or not enough. Children want to do well when they can. Support them by providing challenges that align with their age and abilities. 

Ages 1–2 

The primary goal at this age is connection and reading your child’s needs. Are they looking for connection or adventure? They require close supervision, with minimal expectations for independence. Any instruction should involve showing and helping them with it. 

Ages 3–4 

Imagination begins and they begin to communicate their preferences (i.e. saying no). They can help dress themselves, assist with tidying and follow simple routines. Stay close and expect their need for frequent help and supervision. 

Ages 4–5 

Independence and the ability to help grows: feeding pets, setting the table, tidying up with one instruction at a time, close supervision and a lot of praise. 

Ages 5–6 

Teach one skill a week/month to develop independence: clearing their dishes or dressing themselves. Supervision, support and a lot of praise is essential as they begin to practice mastering one skill at a time. 

Ages 6–7 

Consider making a chart. Children can begin to practice following a chart to develop a routine. We refer to this as supported independence, combining the skills they have been working on. Continued praise and delight from attempts to practice these skills is crucial. 

Ages 7–8 

Consider multi-step instructions for very small tasks: clear the plates and condiments, and wipe the table. Check-ins help ensure quality, but less hands-on support is needed. 

Ages 9–11 

Expect more consistent independence for skills they have been mastering like learning to make simple meals and taking responsibility for belongings. Parents should monitor as the child tries to complete these tasks on their own. 

Many times, children are tired, overwhelmed or having a hard day. These are times to connect and emotionally refuel your child. Children do well, when they can. If you are struggling to find a good rhythm with your child(ren), reach out for support. We’re happy to help you on this journey.

Heather Norrie BA, BSW, MSW, RSW, Social Worker/Therapist, Key Counselling Services