Children Grieve Too

Recently I had to use my skills that I use to support children struggling with grief and loss. My son, Hani, died suddenly and tragically. I found myself not only trying to grieve this unimaginable loss, but also support my four year old son who was struggling with the loss of his little brother.

How children understand the concept of death depends on their age:

• Infants may cry and thumb-suck more. They may sense anxiety and sorrow in the home.
• Toddlers may become hyper, start bedwetting and be unable to verbalize their feelings. They may ask a lot of questions, play “death” or revert to baby talk.
• Ages six to 10 may also play “death”, become shy and act out more. This may translate into lowered grades in school.
• Ages 11 – teen can be angry, act out and start risky behavior. They may also may also search for spirituality.

Now that you have an idea of how your children may express their grief, there are things that we can do to support them, as how they grieve now will translate into how they grieve through their entire lives.

• For infants, keep their routine schedule. Keep them home where they feel safe and do extra cuddling. Talk to them as you hold them, even if they do not understand, as that may help you.
• For toddlers, be honest with them and tell them why the person died. Use words like dead and died. Answer their questions, including what death is. Explain their feelings and let them know it is okay to cry, be sad and play as they don’t understand permanence.
• For ages six – 11, be honest and give as many details about the death as needed and wanted as they are curious. Explain what feelings they may have and that they are okay. Offer a journal for them to express their feelings and thoughts.
• For teens, be honest, talk about the death and explain the feelings they may have. Support them and respect their privacy.

It is important for kids of all age to attend the funeral service and be given a role, like balloon release, as a part of the healing process. For anyone who is grieving a loss, I’m sending you love.

 

Becky Morrison is a Nurse Practitioner based out of Calgary who has specialized in mental health for over a decade. She is finally, after years of infertility, a mother of two busy little boys, and doting fur mom of her gentle giant, Stella. She is, and always will be, a strong advocate for mental wellness at all ages.