Our Mind’s Main Character
Why is it that we can be so hard on ourselves sometimes? Self-criticism and “should” statements don’t actually motivate us, yet we tend to use these strategies as though they will. We tell ourselves we should have done better, known better, or simply been better. Somehow, we believe that being hard on ourselves will keep us from making the same mistake again.
Consider the message behind self-judgment and what it is trying to tell you. Often, underneath the criticism is something quite human: disappointment, sadness or a desire to simply do well. When we understand the emotion underneath the response, we can respond to what we really need, instead of adding another layer of negativity.
When I find myself feeling down about a mistake or something that didn’t go my way, I catch myself and actively work to change my perspective. I ask, “what if this happened to a friend?” I might respond with, “it’s hard when things don’t work out the way we expect, but good for you for trying” or “I’m sorry you feel sad that it didn’t go your way.” I would offer them understanding and remind them that one difficult moment does not define them. Why does it seem easier to offer kindness to someone else?
Having self-compassion means we can acknowledge when we could have done something differently while still speaking to ourselves with patience. There is a difference between learning from a mistake with grace and talking negatively to ourselves. One leaves room for growth, while the other keeps us stuck.
Next time that voice within your mind says something negative, pause and challenge it. Ask yourself what you would say to someone you love, and try offering those same words to yourself. We can root for ourselves the way we root for others.
Disclaimer: this information is for educational purposes only and does not constitute psychotherapy or a therapeutic relationship.
Jen Wall is a Registered Psychotherapist with Talk With Jen Counselling and Psychotherapy, a virtual practice based in London, Ontario, supporting caregivers and professionals in high-stress roles experiencing burnout and emotional overload. Learn more at TalkWithJen.ca.
