Praise with Purpose
Do you ever feel that our kids are being praised a bit too much? Are we too complimentary for mediocre effort? Are participation ribbons getting more attention than they deserve? Have we fallen into the trap where we’re inflating egos rather than boosting self-esteem? I know this may sound a bit harsh but take a moment to hear me out.
Society has somehow evolved into this bizarre world where people share a part of themselves and feel validated by the number of likes and views. We’ve created this virtual world where a false sense of affirmation comes from an arbitrary number of followers. Our emotions are unnaturally heightened and triggered over comments and shares. This is not how kids should feel validation, and before they dive into this ridiculous realm, we need to take extra caution and put effort into helping them understand how to measure their self-worth.
When it comes to celebrating achievements and praise, I believe in “praise with purpose”. I try to focus my praise on effort and attitude rather than outcome. If my son worked really hard on a karate belt upgrade, overcame stage fright at his latest music recital, or helped a friend stand up to a bully, then much celebration is warranted! We use moments like these to remind the boys that the work, kindness and effort they put into their goals makes them successful.
On the other hand, when they complete tasks that are expected of them, we acknowledge with simple gratitude. Instead of “You are amazing for cleaning up your room.” we’re moving towards “Thanks for bringing down your laundry.” or “Setting the table for dinner is really helpful.” The message shifts from complimenting them to showing appreciation for their actions. When the effort is minimal and we know they can do better, we talk about how to improve and what steps we can take next time.
Of course, we love our kids and, in our minds, they are remarkable little humans. When we tell our kids how wonderful they are all the time, the message can get a bit diluted and we’re not encouraging them to work harder. But by saving celebrations and big praise moments for larger achievements, we are giving them more meaning, they feel more genuine and they will understand that authentic validation comes from your loved ones.
Frank Emanuele is a proud father of two boys, a special education teacher, and a director of Dad Club London.
