When a Pet Dies

The greatest gift our pets give us is unconditional love. When there is unconditional love, there is deep grief which is expressed uniquely within each family member when a pet dies. How a child expresses their grief depends on their age and developmental stage. 

Toddlers and Preschooler
Children age 1-5 do not have the cognitive maturity to understand death. They will view death of a pet as temporary or that the pet is simply just absent.  They may show signs of regressions such as reverting to a younger age (baby talk, bed wetting, clingy) which is “safer” for them. The best way to approach the death of a pet with this age group is:

1. Concrete wording such as died, dead. Softer words such as “Dougy is gone” can be confusing for this age group as they primarily use magical thinking. 
2. Use simple language with regards to what happened to their body. “Dougy’s heart stopped beating and when his heart stopped beating, his body stopped working.” 
3. Try to relate this loss to life experiences “Remember when you squished that bug and it stopped moving?”
4. Validate their feelings and be open about your feelings. Parents are the model for the way our children grieve in life. 

School Age
Children age 5-8 are starting to understand that death is permanent. This age group is still prone to magical thinking, so it is important to still use concrete language such as “died” or “dead.” Validate their feelings, normalize the stages of grief by sharing your feelings and openly discussing them as a family.

Pre-teens to Teens
Children age 9-18 have the cognitive maturity to understand the permanency of death. The best way to approach this age group is:

1. Validate their feelings and discuss the stages of grief which helps to normalize it. 
2. Be open about your feelings and how you cope with the loss. 
3. Involve them in ways to remember their pet.

There are many ways for children to cope and remember their pet. Consider making a memory box, holding a small ceremony or writing a goodbye letter to the pet. Avoid rushing out to replace the beloved pet so that your child has the time they need to grieve in their unique way. 

 

 

Becky Morrison is a Nurse Practitioner based out of Calgary who has specialized in mental health for over a decade. She is finally, after years of infertility, a mother of two busy little boys, and doting fur mom of her gentle giant, Stella. She is, and always will be, a strong advocate for mental wellness at all ages.