When Relaxation Skills Don’t Seem to Work
In my practice, I am frequently asked by clients why some relaxation skills do not work for their child when they need them the most.
Wrong Timing
Once a child is in the Fight or Flight mode, their body is reacting to a real or perceived threat. The “thinking” part of the brain, also known as the cerebral cortex, shuts down and now you cannot access or learn relaxation skills like deep breathing, hence it appears that relaxation skills do not work. In those moments of meltdown:
- stop talking
- remain calm
- reduce sensory input (turn down the lights, turn off music or screens)
- ensure everyone is safe
In this moment you are trying to co-regulate your child’s nervous system. Model the behavior you want your child to use: take slow deep breaths while either giving your child space if they want OR holding them if they need comfort. Once their body has fully recovered (remember a meltdown is a stress response so their body has just released over 34 biochemicals, hormones, cortisol, adrenaline and noradrenaline, affecting all aspects of their body and mind), provide comfort, then use a low soft tone to start talking.
Practice Makes Perfect
I remember after my last maternity leave, I thought I could walk back into the sand and play high level beach volleyball. I had played for 15 years, surely a year off wouldn’t make that much difference. Nope. I got crushed. To be effective at anything, including relaxation skills, we need to practice them when we don’t need them.
Incorporate relaxation skills into your daily routine, as most take less than 60 seconds to practice. Add belly breathing to the nightly routine. After a sibling quarrel, do a wall-push or stomp on the ground (releases stress hormones quicker). As parents, we need to model the behavior we want our children to adopt, thus do breathe work before bed together. Stomp on the ground with your child when they are angry or frustrated.
We are the main models for our child’s behaviors, their template on navigating and processing their feelings. If our nervous system isn’t regulated, then neither are our children’s.
Becky Morrison is a Nurse Practitioner based out of Calgary who has specialized in mental health for over a decade. She is finally, after years of infertility, a mother of two busy little boys, and doting fur mom of her gentle giant, Stella. She is, and always will be, a strong advocate for mental wellness at all ages.
