Observed in the Wild: Teenagerus Maximus

Observe… the North American Teenager (Teenagerus Maximus) as summer draws to a close.

After nearly ten weeks of recreational hibernation, sustained almost entirely by carbohydrates, Wi-Fi and parental generosity, the species prepares for one of nature’s most remarkable events: The Return to Routine.

Researchers estimate this transition takes two weeks. Parents estimate…Thanksgiving.

Habitat

The Teenager prefers a dark, cave-like environment, emerging only to forage for snacks or request transportation. Researchers remain puzzled by how the species can sleep until noon and still require an afternoon nap.

Diet

Researchers estimate the average Teenager consumes enough snacks over one summer to sustain a small black bear through hibernation. Curiously, the phrase, “There’s nothing to eat,” is almost always observed while standing in front of a fully stocked refrigerator. Further study is required.

Communication

Fascinating… Although capable of memorizing hundreds of song lyrics, every TikTok trend and obscure sports statistics, the Teenager remains unable to remember to bring a towel upstairs after showering.

Its hearing also appears highly selective. Observe:

“Could you unload the dishwasher?”

Silence.

“I will change the Wi-Fi password.”

Remarkably, hearing returns immediately.

Behaviour

The Teenager can debate world politics, explain new technology and navigate the complex social hierarchy of high school. Yet it remains incapable of locating its school uniform, despite leaving it in the same place ten weeks earlier. Scientists believe this condition may also explain its inability to see dirty laundry.

Migration

As September approaches, alarms cautiously return to the habitat. Lunches reappear. Backpacks emerge from beneath hoodies. Parents instinctively resume their annual mating call:

“Did you eat breakfast?”

“Do you have your Chromebook charger?”

“The bus is here!”

Conservation Status

Experienced observers understand this behaviour is temporary. The Teenager is still developing. Still learning. Still becoming.

The mature parent has only one reliable survival strategy. Flip your seat. Observe. Laugh when you can.

Because before long, this fascinating creature’s annual migration will become permanent… and you’ll find yourself hoping it comes home to empty the refrigerator one more time.

 

Janet Smith is a proud mom of one daughter and a marketing professional who is grateful for her rural roots in the London area. Follow Janet’s funny and honest journey at IG & TT | @re.marketable.janet or FB | @janetsiddallsmith