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One Wave at a Time

I have been grieving three very tragic and sudden deaths of people that were extremely significant to our family for the last four months. The grief has been a monumental task for me to unpack as the emotions surrounding these deaths have come in waves. Typical of waves, some of these memories break around me, leaving a lingering presence, while others crash into me and try to pull me beneath the surface in the undertow. Parenting through these losses has been a challenge but has provided a new level of communication, compassion and appreciation between my tween daughter and me.

Other than the death of a family dog when she was very young, this was my daughter’s introduction to death and dying. The compounded impact of the three deaths in a very short period has enhanced both our grief and our responses. Here is how we are coping as a family:

We talk about it. Instead of brushing off the tears, we discuss what triggered the tears. Often it results in sharing some special memories that memorialize the lost person. These discussions have provided us opportunity to share anxieties and collaborate on a family strategy to push through it.

We are normalizing crying. Tears are a normal part of the grieving process and provide a therapeutic release. They can be triggered by both happy memories and an awareness of a pending absence. Tears can arrive suddenly and unannounced, but usually just after you have applied mascara.

We lean on our support systems. We are selective on what conversations we share with or around our daughter. We are the parents and don’t need to burden her with adult concerns. It is important to surround yourself with a supportive group of adults like friends, family, neighbours or a counsellor for these heavier conversations. 

We ask for help. We understand that tears often happen in private, but grieving is not something that is experienced alone or on a timeline. We ask each other and our support systems for help exploring these unchartered waters.

But most of all, we take it one wave at a time.

 

Janet Smith is a proud mom of one daughter and a marketing professional who is grateful for her rural roots in the London area. Follow Janet’s funny and honest journey at IG & TT | @re.marketable.janet or FB | @janetsiddallsmith

 

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